Ripping Off the Band-Aid
I cannot do anything right tonight, and it's frustrating as all hell. I've been looking at this blank space on the screen for an hour and a half now, and I'm ready to scream. It hasn't been blank the whole time; I've written several hundred words, but none of it is going anywhere, and none of it was worth reading. I started out writing about one of the worst experiences of my entire life, made it 2 sentences in, and couldn't keep going. I don't care what Meredith Grey says, there are some Band-Aids that aren't supposed to be ripped off.
The problem is an obvious one. People I know have started reading this thing, and it's led to some self-censorship. There are things that I'm willing to write to a nameless, faceless internet public that I can't share with my "closest" friends.
Fucked up, I know.
The way I see it, there are two potential solutions. 1.) I can stop caring what people around me think and/or say. This is unlikely to ever happen, and is a bad idea. 2.) I can continue to censor what I write about on here, and deal with the frustration that results. This is likely to happen, but is still a bad idea. Anyone with a better solution should feel free to suggest it to me.
The truth of the matter is this- I'm not entirely sure I'm trying to be happy. I worry sometimes that because life is more interesting when there's ongoing trials and troubles that I will intentionally avoid potentially good things out of fear of boredom and complacity.
Fucked up, I know.
I'm also in the middle of trying to wrap my head around the confusing nature of women. I know my romantic life has been something of a side-note on this pile of crap, but believe it or not it's pretty close to center stage in my world.
The problem is, I don't know how to read women. That's not true. As long as the relationship between us isn't romantic, and I don't want it to be, I can read a woman. I can read anyone. I'm sick of saying this, and it's probably losing its effect, but that's not my arrogance speaking- it's just true. I've always been a good judge of character, and I watch people so much that I can almost always figure out what they're thinking. (That last statement about watching people is only 47% as creepy as it sounds)
I get into trouble when we throw in the confounding element of romance, and when that happens, I totally lose my head. It's like I go from seeing everything written out as clearly as words on a page to a dyslexic trying to translate War and Peace from a language he doesn't even speak.
It doesn't help that I have a pathological fear of rejection (blame the major female figures in my life- but that's another day's post) and this leads me to an almost total social shutdown around a woman I'm really infatuated with. I start to say stupid, unfunny things, (And you assholes that don't see that as an abberation from normal can just kiss my ass) and I get nervous. This creates a positive feedback loop (Thanks Bio11) when I start to feel like I'm screwing up, and get more and more nervous.
If the only place you've ever seen me is in public, in the middle of a crowd, then you probably don't believe it, but I'm an incredibly nervous guy. If you need proof come look at my fingernails someday. (Gross, I know. I'm working on it) There was one girl who I think almost put me in a serious dysrhythmia the first time I was with her in a romantic setting. Totally worth it, but had I died, I might feel differently.
Stop laughing at me.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote what I remembered about the first time I woke up next to someone else. (You Shouldn't Read This) Really, you still shouldn't read that post- that's no less true today than it was then, but it does contain a description of what runs through my head when I wake up next to someone, and I think that a lot of those feelings are fairly universal.
Imagine my pride then, when a few episodes ago Dr. McDreamy concurred with my assessment (couldn't resist) and while telling Meredith about their last kiss, mentioned the smell of her shampoo. When you're the kind of guy McDreamy is supposed to be, and I like to think I am (There's that arrogance!) those are the kinds of things you remember. I can still see every woman I've ever been with (In all honesty the list isn't that long) just the way they looked right before the first kiss.
Personally, I'd rather remember that than the last kiss.
All of the above crap really did have a point- at least for me. I've been trying to figure out exactly what I'm willing to risk in my pursuit of that elusive thing people call "happiness". I've decided that I'm gonna give it a try. An honest, nothing-held-back attempt at being happy. I'll let you know how it works out.
I'm almost excited now.
The problem is an obvious one. People I know have started reading this thing, and it's led to some self-censorship. There are things that I'm willing to write to a nameless, faceless internet public that I can't share with my "closest" friends.
Fucked up, I know.
The way I see it, there are two potential solutions. 1.) I can stop caring what people around me think and/or say. This is unlikely to ever happen, and is a bad idea. 2.) I can continue to censor what I write about on here, and deal with the frustration that results. This is likely to happen, but is still a bad idea. Anyone with a better solution should feel free to suggest it to me.
The truth of the matter is this- I'm not entirely sure I'm trying to be happy. I worry sometimes that because life is more interesting when there's ongoing trials and troubles that I will intentionally avoid potentially good things out of fear of boredom and complacity.
Fucked up, I know.
I'm also in the middle of trying to wrap my head around the confusing nature of women. I know my romantic life has been something of a side-note on this pile of crap, but believe it or not it's pretty close to center stage in my world.
The problem is, I don't know how to read women. That's not true. As long as the relationship between us isn't romantic, and I don't want it to be, I can read a woman. I can read anyone. I'm sick of saying this, and it's probably losing its effect, but that's not my arrogance speaking- it's just true. I've always been a good judge of character, and I watch people so much that I can almost always figure out what they're thinking. (That last statement about watching people is only 47% as creepy as it sounds)
I get into trouble when we throw in the confounding element of romance, and when that happens, I totally lose my head. It's like I go from seeing everything written out as clearly as words on a page to a dyslexic trying to translate War and Peace from a language he doesn't even speak.
It doesn't help that I have a pathological fear of rejection (blame the major female figures in my life- but that's another day's post) and this leads me to an almost total social shutdown around a woman I'm really infatuated with. I start to say stupid, unfunny things, (And you assholes that don't see that as an abberation from normal can just kiss my ass) and I get nervous. This creates a positive feedback loop (Thanks Bio11) when I start to feel like I'm screwing up, and get more and more nervous.
If the only place you've ever seen me is in public, in the middle of a crowd, then you probably don't believe it, but I'm an incredibly nervous guy. If you need proof come look at my fingernails someday. (Gross, I know. I'm working on it) There was one girl who I think almost put me in a serious dysrhythmia the first time I was with her in a romantic setting. Totally worth it, but had I died, I might feel differently.
Stop laughing at me.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote what I remembered about the first time I woke up next to someone else. (You Shouldn't Read This) Really, you still shouldn't read that post- that's no less true today than it was then, but it does contain a description of what runs through my head when I wake up next to someone, and I think that a lot of those feelings are fairly universal.
Imagine my pride then, when a few episodes ago Dr. McDreamy concurred with my assessment (couldn't resist) and while telling Meredith about their last kiss, mentioned the smell of her shampoo. When you're the kind of guy McDreamy is supposed to be, and I like to think I am (There's that arrogance!) those are the kinds of things you remember. I can still see every woman I've ever been with (In all honesty the list isn't that long) just the way they looked right before the first kiss.
Personally, I'd rather remember that than the last kiss.
All of the above crap really did have a point- at least for me. I've been trying to figure out exactly what I'm willing to risk in my pursuit of that elusive thing people call "happiness". I've decided that I'm gonna give it a try. An honest, nothing-held-back attempt at being happy. I'll let you know how it works out.
I'm almost excited now.
posted by C at 2:33 AM
1 Comments:
dont hold back on my account. just tell me which ones you dont want me to read
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