The Stupid Friend

Stupid people just suck ass. It’s the most obvious thing in the world to me. Everybody has that “friend” who you keep around because every once in a while they’ll do something that makes them worthy of breathing, but for the most part is just a waste of valuable oxygen.

If you don’t have a stupid friend, you are the stupid friend. Sorry, but at least you’re hearing it from me, instead of someone who cares.

The StupidFriend is the one who likes to get in loud, usually drunken, arguments over inane topics. What the StupidFriend doesn’t realize is that even if they “win” the argument, they’re still the StupidFriend, and they’re just not that smart.

The StupidFriend is the one who when you were in Kindergarten was assigned to the “Red” reading group (Red for “Give up now, you’ll never amount to anything”) with the kid who smelled like curry and old salmon and always leaned a little to the left.

The StupidFriend is the one who would always eat anything during lunchtime, and thought they were gaining legitimate friends in their efforts. “So, if I eat the Cricket & Mystery Meat Stew with the turpentine chaser, I can come to your sleepover?”

The StupidFriend is the one who joined the football team in high school, because he heard “no one got cut”. No one bothered to tell him that being the 4^th string punter who only got half a uniform due to budget constraints would not only not get him a girlfriend, but would only open him up to ridicule in the locker room for his turd-stained tightie-whities.

The StupidFriend is the one who has at various times belonged to the:

Pickup driving, camo wearing, Skoal chewing, Faux Redneck Crowd

Roca Wear styling, 50 Cent playing, Basketball Jonesing, Wigger Crowd (Obviously not applicable to black StupidFriends)

Anime Watching, Sushi Eating, Asian Schoolgirl Porn Watching, Asian-Wannabe Crowd

Jock crowd (see above)

The StupidFriend is the one who could add their opinion to any academic debate, in any class, at any time, and immediately cause a cease in all exchange of thought, instead creating a vacuum of silence in which everyone present feels stupider just for having heard their comment.

The StupidFriend is the one who ran out to rush a frat during their first week of school, because they never did learn the lesson that eating the Cricket Stew was supposed to teach. “Hey! This is like a permanent sleepover!! AWESOME!”

In short, the StupidFriend is a permanent version of ThatGuy. We’re all ThatGuy every once in a while, but the StupidFriend has made a science of the art, and we hate him for it.

Help StupidFriends everywhere, and stop letting them live in ignorance. If you can’t tell them face to face, point them here, and I’ll do it for you.

If you’ve got additions to my (obviously incomplete) list of criteria for The StupidFriend, email them to me at EMS8002@gmail.com I’d like to see a few for the ladies too, since this one is obviously written from the male perspective.