Psycho Jesus- Part 1
This merits a "Part 1" designation because there have been multiple Psycho Jesus-es in my career, and there's little or no chance I'll go without seeing another one. Psycho Jesus calls are some of my favorite calls to run. Honestly any kind of psychiatric call is great, there's always the possibility of serious hilarity, and crazy people are fun to listen to.
One of my first Psycho Jesus calls came in Cary shortly after I'd started working there. It was early on a Friday morning, and while most people were driving to work, our patient decided that today would be the day that he would reveal his true identity to the messiah-seeking world, and he'd begin his ministry.
PJ is in his early twenties, hispanic, about 5' 6" tall, and is standing in the middle of a lake in his tightie-whities screaming at the Cary Fire Department. I didn't know Jesus was allowed to curse, but this version was not only inventive in his invectives, he had bilingualism working in his favor.
CFD- Sir! Come to the shore or we will come and get you!
PJ- Cierre tu boca! (close your mouth) Cockgobbling whore. Your hat looks stupid and you are disrespecting the LORD.
Right around now is when I expect one of the guys off of Rescue 4 to wade out there and knock the bejeezus out of this guy. In case your mom never told you, it's a bad idea to make fun of a firefighters helmet. At least to his face. Instead of biting the bullet and getting their feet wet though, I hear the lieutenant from the engine calling for a boat. A freaking boat.
In case you missed it, Psycho Jesus is STANDING in the MIDDLE of the "lake". With water barely reaching his knees. There is no need for a boat, in any way, shape, or form. These guys even have waterproof boots on, that would probably keep them totally dry. Never underestimate the desire of a firefighter to play with their toys. Thanks Department of Homeland Security.
PJ- I am not afraid of you tall man! Pendejo!
I threw that in about where PJ said it chronologically to the story. A lot of crazy people absolutely hate me, and they usually throw my height into their explanation of why.
When we're told that there's a 30 minute ETA for the boat and its crew to arrive, my partner starts to get this crazy look in his eye. I've known this guy for about a year at this point, and his sense of "things I should and should not do" has been skewed by working in this field for many, many years. I see this look in his eye, and our next exchange went something like this:
Me- No.
Partner- Yes. Come on, do you want to wait 30 minutes? I'm hungry.
Me-No. (Still meaning "No, don't do this dumbass")
Partner-(Taking my "no" to be a reply to his question about waiting) Alright! I'm going in!
Me- Fuck.
My partner plops down on the ground like a three year old, and begins to take off his boots, and socks, and then rolls his pants up above his knees. The whole effect looked like a mildly-retarded Huck Finn with a mustache and a stethoscope around his neck.
My partner starts wading out into the lake, ignoring the firefighters cries of "Hey man, we got a boat comin'!" I have to admit it, he cut a dashing figure slogging through the mud and shallow water out in the middle of this suburban lake. Of course, my vision might've been clouded by the tears that are now pouring down my face from laughing at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.
The entire time he's wading out there, PJ has his arms raised in benediction, and is praying for his father, who he calls "Dad" to deliver him from this "Evil-ass motherfucker" who's coming to "get him".
PJ- Dad! The bad man is coming and I told you to smite him! If you won't do it I will!
Partner- Easy guy. I'm not here to hurt you; we're here to help you.
PJ- *Spanish above and beyond what I can understand*... and I fucked your mom.
Partner- Listen man, this can be real easy. I just need you to walk back to shore with me.
PJ- I am not a man! I'm the son of God! Dad, smite this fool, or I swear I'm going to!
Partner- (Taking a step towards PJ, and putting his hand on his shoulder) Let's just go get dry and-
He was cut off because that's when PJ decided to "smite" him. Smiting involved making a diving tackle at his waist, and knocking them both into the water. My partner came up spluttering, and immediately used his greater size to throw PJ into a headlock and begin dragging him to shore. 2 Cary police officers, myself, and engine company, and a rescue truck company all watched in stunned silence. I snapped out of my reverie long enough to call our Chief on the radio and have him come to the scene in his vehicle, since I was going to need a dry partner to help me transport this patient to the hospital.
My partner got the guy to shore, and promptly delivered him to the loving arms of the Cary police officers, who threw the guy on the ground, cuffed him, and searched him. The guy was wearing (now see-thru) tightie whities, and nothing else, but they searched him.
We tied the guy to our stretcher, and put him in the truck just as our Chief was pulling up. He took one look at my partner, and just shook his head. We'd receive 3 different emails over the next week carefully defining the role of EMS personnel on scenes like this.
The Chief went around to the front of the truck to drive, my partner toweled off and drove the Chief's vehicle back to the station. I talked to PJ in the back, and continued to tell him that even though he wasn't afraid of me (Tall Man) I still had to check his blood pressure.
As we were pulling out of the scene, I saw the CFD boat team pulling up. They just started laughing when they looked at my partner.
One of my first Psycho Jesus calls came in Cary shortly after I'd started working there. It was early on a Friday morning, and while most people were driving to work, our patient decided that today would be the day that he would reveal his true identity to the messiah-seeking world, and he'd begin his ministry.
PJ is in his early twenties, hispanic, about 5' 6" tall, and is standing in the middle of a lake in his tightie-whities screaming at the Cary Fire Department. I didn't know Jesus was allowed to curse, but this version was not only inventive in his invectives, he had bilingualism working in his favor.
CFD- Sir! Come to the shore or we will come and get you!
PJ- Cierre tu boca! (close your mouth) Cockgobbling whore. Your hat looks stupid and you are disrespecting the LORD.
Right around now is when I expect one of the guys off of Rescue 4 to wade out there and knock the bejeezus out of this guy. In case your mom never told you, it's a bad idea to make fun of a firefighters helmet. At least to his face. Instead of biting the bullet and getting their feet wet though, I hear the lieutenant from the engine calling for a boat. A freaking boat.
In case you missed it, Psycho Jesus is STANDING in the MIDDLE of the "lake". With water barely reaching his knees. There is no need for a boat, in any way, shape, or form. These guys even have waterproof boots on, that would probably keep them totally dry. Never underestimate the desire of a firefighter to play with their toys. Thanks Department of Homeland Security.
PJ- I am not afraid of you tall man! Pendejo!
I threw that in about where PJ said it chronologically to the story. A lot of crazy people absolutely hate me, and they usually throw my height into their explanation of why.
When we're told that there's a 30 minute ETA for the boat and its crew to arrive, my partner starts to get this crazy look in his eye. I've known this guy for about a year at this point, and his sense of "things I should and should not do" has been skewed by working in this field for many, many years. I see this look in his eye, and our next exchange went something like this:
Me- No.
Partner- Yes. Come on, do you want to wait 30 minutes? I'm hungry.
Me-No. (Still meaning "No, don't do this dumbass")
Partner-(Taking my "no" to be a reply to his question about waiting) Alright! I'm going in!
Me- Fuck.
My partner plops down on the ground like a three year old, and begins to take off his boots, and socks, and then rolls his pants up above his knees. The whole effect looked like a mildly-retarded Huck Finn with a mustache and a stethoscope around his neck.
My partner starts wading out into the lake, ignoring the firefighters cries of "Hey man, we got a boat comin'!" I have to admit it, he cut a dashing figure slogging through the mud and shallow water out in the middle of this suburban lake. Of course, my vision might've been clouded by the tears that are now pouring down my face from laughing at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.
The entire time he's wading out there, PJ has his arms raised in benediction, and is praying for his father, who he calls "Dad" to deliver him from this "Evil-ass motherfucker" who's coming to "get him".
PJ- Dad! The bad man is coming and I told you to smite him! If you won't do it I will!
Partner- Easy guy. I'm not here to hurt you; we're here to help you.
PJ- *Spanish above and beyond what I can understand*... and I fucked your mom.
Partner- Listen man, this can be real easy. I just need you to walk back to shore with me.
PJ- I am not a man! I'm the son of God! Dad, smite this fool, or I swear I'm going to!
Partner- (Taking a step towards PJ, and putting his hand on his shoulder) Let's just go get dry and-
He was cut off because that's when PJ decided to "smite" him. Smiting involved making a diving tackle at his waist, and knocking them both into the water. My partner came up spluttering, and immediately used his greater size to throw PJ into a headlock and begin dragging him to shore. 2 Cary police officers, myself, and engine company, and a rescue truck company all watched in stunned silence. I snapped out of my reverie long enough to call our Chief on the radio and have him come to the scene in his vehicle, since I was going to need a dry partner to help me transport this patient to the hospital.
My partner got the guy to shore, and promptly delivered him to the loving arms of the Cary police officers, who threw the guy on the ground, cuffed him, and searched him. The guy was wearing (now see-thru) tightie whities, and nothing else, but they searched him.
We tied the guy to our stretcher, and put him in the truck just as our Chief was pulling up. He took one look at my partner, and just shook his head. We'd receive 3 different emails over the next week carefully defining the role of EMS personnel on scenes like this.
The Chief went around to the front of the truck to drive, my partner toweled off and drove the Chief's vehicle back to the station. I talked to PJ in the back, and continued to tell him that even though he wasn't afraid of me (Tall Man) I still had to check his blood pressure.
As we were pulling out of the scene, I saw the CFD boat team pulling up. They just started laughing when they looked at my partner.
posted by C at 5:13 PM
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